♥ I'm moving on.....

Well it's official. I've made up my mind 100% that I am moving to Boca in 2 weeks. I can't believe what an emotional struggle I had to get through to wrap my brain around the idea of leaving st. pete, my boyfriend of 4 years, and school (which I was absolutely loving, especially now that I got all of the math classes out of the way) It's just difficult for me to imagine myself without this situation that I've been living with for so long. I talked to my dad yesterday, and he asked me if I was excited. I honestly don't feel excited yet. I am nervous more than anything. Yes, the situation between my boyfriend & I wasn't the greatest. No affection/love/etc, but we are great friends who care about each other and laugh all of the time. I just can't see us ever getting to the point where we could spend our lives together. Maybe that will change someday, but we'll never know unless I take this amazing opportunity to make my own life better, to stand on my own two feet, and to put myself through nursing school. I need to do this for myself, so that I can have respect for the person I am, instead of feeling like I'm just going through the motions everyday. I need to have a life of my own. I don't think things are great here, if they were, I'd stay. If Justin & I were amazing together, none of the other stuff would matter. Which is why I moved out here in the beginning. It didn't matter that none of my family or friends were out here. But when things started to go downhill (3 yrs ago) and our relationship died down quite a bit, I was alone more than ever. It's hard to explain something so personal. I'll really miss Justin & I know he loves me. But maybe this way he'll appreciate what we had together and who knows what the future holds. I know I am doing the right thing by leaving, but this is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. It's bad enough that I have to leave my boyfriend, my school & friends I've made there, a possible career w/photography, but I'm leaving my dog, and the apartment I paid a lot of $ to fill with things we picked out together. Shower curtains, the giant clock on the wall, signs, artwork, bedding, etc. Justin paid for the furniture & I wouldn't have anywhere to put it anyway (I'm moving in w/my sister & brother in law for a couple of months) so I'm not taking anything big. I'm only taking my personal belongings and my cat. James has been w/me for almost 5 years now, and I can't imagine leaving him anywhere. The dog loves Justin way more and he's just such a handful. There's no way I'd be able to get into a new apartment with him. I packed boxes yesterday, & I'll be packing today as well. Giving all of my old clothes to my mom to bring to church for her sunday school kids. I'll write more later. I need to get another cup of coffee. Soul searching really drains a girl, let me tell you.

Square ♥ One

Oh what I wouldn't give to be laying on my great grandmother's quilt under a tree in the shade. I remember sitting with my mom while she'd read a book & my sister & I'd take naps. To be carefree & innocent, oblivious to the real world daily ups & downs. To not have to worry about making a huge life-changing decision that requires moving my entire life 180 degrees. I still don't know what to do... I called the lady from that hospital that left me a message yesterday. She asked me why I moved around so much. I explained to her that I was about to make a very permanent move to Boca & would be there in 2 weeks... stupid me. I should have acted like I was already there. But she said "Well I need to hire someone immediately, but I'll keep your resume and if we don't find someone in 2 weeks... I'll give you a call" OMG. Fail. Epic & Total Failure. Why did I say that? I let myself get excited like things would magically happen the way I'd hoped they would, and the skies would open up & heaven would shine down & the answer to my question would be suddenly clear. No such luck. Now I'm still waiting to hear from someone, anyone, interested in my stellar resume. I guess I should keep packing boxes and cleaning my clutter from this apartment. Just in case...

♥ The Charleston

Job Information ♥

I decided to keep one blog post dedicated to all of my job information, ie: resume, locations, places I apply to, etc. So excited!!

First official job call back... I applied online this morning & got my first call. I am so hopeful ;)
http://www.delraymedicalctr.com/en-US/Pages/default.aspx

The 3-Week Countdown to the 180 Degree Turn Around... ♥

It's official. School is out for the summer. Normally, I'd be sitting in pajamas, drinking coffee in the sunshine w/a good book. Maybe taking pictures somewhere (while enjoying the freedom of taking pictures for fun again, not for various assignments & critiques) or just enjoying the break. I, however, am doing none of those things. Well okay, I did have my coffee- but I'm out of the pajamas. I mean, it *is* Monday, after all. I haven't blogged in quite awhile. Actually, I do believe it's been one month & two days since my last confession. I don't even know where to begin really. I guess my last blog sums up where I left off. I had a huge fight with my boyfriend of (just under) 4 years. We decided I would move out and leave. Next morning, when the sun came out and we'd had some sleep & time to rethink our words, we both felt like maybe we could try to work it out. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I'd never get his words out of my head. He didn't see us getting married, he wasn't "in love" with me anymore, he knew I didn't like St. Pete, etc. I usually don't see his family much but neither does he. He claimed I didn't like his friends which was totally untrue. I even made my school schedule when I registered for Summer quarter so that I could spend Wednesday nights w/all of them since that's their night to go out to dinner. I was talking w/his friends behind his back to plan something for his birthday (which ended up falling through) Anyway... I considered his friends to be my friends, so that comment bothered me. But truthfully, I have been alone for a long time. My own family & friends live in different areas (2 & 4 hours away) and I want to be closer to my family. I started to feel depressed, sleeping all of the time, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere. But at the same time, I felt trapped in this apartment. It doesn't make sense, but that's how I felt. Truthfully speaking. I lost track of myself somewhere along the way. I've been unhappy for so long that it started to seem normal to me. I don't blame Justin for falling out of love w/me. I just wish things could've been different. I feel that leaving school and moving away is something that would give me the opportunity to be happy, live my life, and be a better person. I feel like I need to do this for myself. I can't stay here, being this miserable while trying to be a good girlfriend & friend to Justin. It's not fair to either of us. He works too hard and we both deserve better.

At the same time... I find it hard to leave. I go back & forth in my head everyday. Am I making the right choice? Decisions aren't easy when your heart and your head want two different things. Some days I think there's no way I can stay here, and other days I can't imagine life w/out Justin. Four years is a long time to spend with someone, even if they're not the "right" person for you. I just hope I can make the right decision, and make choices that lead us both to being happy again, even if that means being without each other. I love Justin & I want him to be happy. I always have & I always will.

Should I stay or should I go?

That seems to be the unanswered question. I am heart broken. Things haven't been good between my boyfriend & I. We fight all of the time. I have been truly sad and lonely without my family closeby. I really depend on my boyfriend & he's all I've got out here in St. Pete. But last night we broke up... We finally got ourselves to a point where we don't know if we can fix the relationship or if we should just move on and be happy without each other. I am so torn because I love him so much. I just want to be closer to my family. And it kills me to know that my unhappiness spilled over onto him and made him feel as badly as I did at times. I'm just at a loss tonight. On one hand, I have a man who loves me and says he feels like we have a chance to salvage our bond. And on the other, I have the wide open unknown. All of the possibilities that could come from leaving. Being with my sister, transferring schools, meeting new people, getting a new job, etc. My life is a mess at the moment & I am truly saddened by the whole situation.

Domestically Challenged...

          So a friend recently asked me why my boyfriend & I aren't married or if we are planning on it in the future. My answer was no plans, no desire to walk down the aisle, nothing. But that was a lie. If you really know me, you know I am a sucker for romance. I love the idea of celebrating two people in love, happy and ready to spend their lives together. I just don't know if that's me. For starters, I am not where I feel I should be in life. I'm a full time student, doing what I can to get through assignments & worrying everyday about whether my car will make it to school & back or not. I am currently unemployed, and spending my days stuck in this apartment while my boyfriend works his butt off. I love my boyfriend. I have so much fun and hardly ever stop laughing when we're together. But truthfully speaking, I don't feel that we are even close to being ready to talk about getting married. And I feel that I've stopped believing he's ever going to ask me, which is sad. I don't believe in fairy tales but I'd like to believe things could be better and that one day I'll be okay regardless of whether I have a ring on my finger or not. My Dad (see previous blog) recently told me that he's seen a pattern with me where I have this "have boyfriend, add water, instant family" mentality, and he's right. Because when I fall in love, I fall fast & hard. I don't consider myself clingy, but I have never been in a relationship that didn't last a couple of years or more. I've been single, don't get me wrong. But I am a relationship kind of girl. I feel that I am building up some kind of resentment towards my better half lately, with the cooking & cleaning being left to me. I am old fashioned to a point, but sometimes I want to do my own thing. I don't enjoy the same things every day. He has told me that he wants me to meet him halfway. And I can understand that somehow, but when I asked him about us getting married he said he needed things from me, and now I have the overwhelming feeling that I need to prove myself to him. In July we will have been together 4 years. I know I shouldn't complain, because there's so much that he does for me, and he's stayed with me through thick & thin, in my darkest hours. I just don't know how to get around this feeling of fighting his requests to "give him" or "show" him anything to prove my worth. I guess that also means I don't want to be a wife. Because I'm not ready to compromise or "prove myself" to anyone. It doesn't mean I don't love him or don't want to be with him. I just feel like I'm having a really hard time personally and after looking in the mirror trying to see what he doesn't see, I don't like the girl looking back at me.  

Tough Love From My Dad ♥

Nobody can set me straight like my father. He is the one person I know who will tell me the truth. What I need to hear vs what I want to hear. He keeps things real. Sometimes the truth hurts, to say the least. I am far from perfect. I have made mistakes that I am paying for to this day. I will probably pay for them for the rest of my life. Sometimes I get depressed over things and I feel sorry for myself. Lying around in flannel pajamas isn't going to fix things, but sometimes I can do it all day. When times get rough, I need to hear the words of wisdom from the wisest man I know... Dad. Sure he curses like a sailor (he *was* one, after all) but he has a way of dishing out the truth without sugar coating things. If I want sympathy, I'll talk w/my mom. Dad has no time for sympathy. He despises emotional crying, hysterics, tears and "boohooing" of any caliber, and he'll shut it down before the first hiccup. I love my parents & I know I'm lucky. I know they are there for me no matter what. I'm just truly thankful that my dad can set me straight and motivate me to get my "man pants" pulled up & knock off the nonsense. I am too old to sit around and cry over things I can't change or fix. Time to lock & load. Watch out, emo punks. Take that, Ben & Jerry. I'm turning a new leaf, and that means sucking it up and moving on. That's just what this girl's going to do...

The ABC's of Me...

Age: 27 (I never say my age, I always say "I'll be 28")
Bedsize: Queen. However. Living with a 6'5" giant has shown me the error of my ways. I believe a king would've been ideal.
Chore you hate: Dishes! Close second: litter box. If only James could use the toilet...
Dogs: Harrison aka Dirty Harry. Named after Matt Harrison or Indiana Jones. You pick.
Essential start to your day: Coffee. Enough said.
Favorite smell: fresh laundry/clean cotton and gasoline. Yeah, I said it. I also like fresh cut grass & chlorine.
Gold or silver: Silver all of the way. White gold or steel, but yellow gold is gross. Even in a grill. I would cover a gold tooth with aluminum foil, if that tells you anything.
Height: 5'7"
Instruments you have played: Piano when I was a kid, and the flute in middle school (first semester of freshman yr/hs)
Jobs you've had: flower shop girl, loss prevention/security, Hospital Corps (Navy) Bath & Body Works, surgical technician, OB tech, medical assistant.
Kids: someday, perhaps.
Lived in: Hawaii (Kauai), Florida, Connecticut, Spain, California, (& then back to Florida!)
Most cherished possession: my Canon. All of my cameras really.
Nicknames: Shan, Shannie, Nana, Nanie, etc. Nicknames from Kerry Booth do not count.
Overnight hospital stays: As a patient, once when I was 4 weeks old for pneumonia. Working a night shift... too many.
Pet peeves: tailgaiters, the over-useage of LOL (or variations of it), people who talk on their cell phones in the library.
Quote from a movie:
Right or left handed: Right. But I drive with my left hand. With a slight gangster lean. (dead serious)
Siblings: One baby sister, Cali Jean Rose ♥ 17 months apart.
Time you wake up: when I have a morning class I am up at 0530. But I can never sleep past 8 on any day.
Underwear: none of your flippin' business. I could be going commando under these leggings for all you know.
Veggies you dislike: do water chestnuts count? Cooked carrots, when they are mushy, I want to vom just thinking about it.
What makes you run late? Traffic, VEHICULAR ISSUES, having to stop for coffee. Seriously, sometimes that line is long! I'm usually early, if anything.
Xrays you've had: Teeth (of course) stomach, hand.
Yummy foods: I love sushi, (ahi tuna esp) anything dipped in chocolate, and anything made by my mama.
Zoo animal: Giraffe. I love the way they chew! And I love all of the babies.