Should I stay or should I go?

That seems to be the unanswered question. I am heart broken. Things haven't been good between my boyfriend & I. We fight all of the time. I have been truly sad and lonely without my family closeby. I really depend on my boyfriend & he's all I've got out here in St. Pete. But last night we broke up... We finally got ourselves to a point where we don't know if we can fix the relationship or if we should just move on and be happy without each other. I am so torn because I love him so much. I just want to be closer to my family. And it kills me to know that my unhappiness spilled over onto him and made him feel as badly as I did at times. I'm just at a loss tonight. On one hand, I have a man who loves me and says he feels like we have a chance to salvage our bond. And on the other, I have the wide open unknown. All of the possibilities that could come from leaving. Being with my sister, transferring schools, meeting new people, getting a new job, etc. My life is a mess at the moment & I am truly saddened by the whole situation.

Domestically Challenged...

          So a friend recently asked me why my boyfriend & I aren't married or if we are planning on it in the future. My answer was no plans, no desire to walk down the aisle, nothing. But that was a lie. If you really know me, you know I am a sucker for romance. I love the idea of celebrating two people in love, happy and ready to spend their lives together. I just don't know if that's me. For starters, I am not where I feel I should be in life. I'm a full time student, doing what I can to get through assignments & worrying everyday about whether my car will make it to school & back or not. I am currently unemployed, and spending my days stuck in this apartment while my boyfriend works his butt off. I love my boyfriend. I have so much fun and hardly ever stop laughing when we're together. But truthfully speaking, I don't feel that we are even close to being ready to talk about getting married. And I feel that I've stopped believing he's ever going to ask me, which is sad. I don't believe in fairy tales but I'd like to believe things could be better and that one day I'll be okay regardless of whether I have a ring on my finger or not. My Dad (see previous blog) recently told me that he's seen a pattern with me where I have this "have boyfriend, add water, instant family" mentality, and he's right. Because when I fall in love, I fall fast & hard. I don't consider myself clingy, but I have never been in a relationship that didn't last a couple of years or more. I've been single, don't get me wrong. But I am a relationship kind of girl. I feel that I am building up some kind of resentment towards my better half lately, with the cooking & cleaning being left to me. I am old fashioned to a point, but sometimes I want to do my own thing. I don't enjoy the same things every day. He has told me that he wants me to meet him halfway. And I can understand that somehow, but when I asked him about us getting married he said he needed things from me, and now I have the overwhelming feeling that I need to prove myself to him. In July we will have been together 4 years. I know I shouldn't complain, because there's so much that he does for me, and he's stayed with me through thick & thin, in my darkest hours. I just don't know how to get around this feeling of fighting his requests to "give him" or "show" him anything to prove my worth. I guess that also means I don't want to be a wife. Because I'm not ready to compromise or "prove myself" to anyone. It doesn't mean I don't love him or don't want to be with him. I just feel like I'm having a really hard time personally and after looking in the mirror trying to see what he doesn't see, I don't like the girl looking back at me.  

Tough Love From My Dad ♥

Nobody can set me straight like my father. He is the one person I know who will tell me the truth. What I need to hear vs what I want to hear. He keeps things real. Sometimes the truth hurts, to say the least. I am far from perfect. I have made mistakes that I am paying for to this day. I will probably pay for them for the rest of my life. Sometimes I get depressed over things and I feel sorry for myself. Lying around in flannel pajamas isn't going to fix things, but sometimes I can do it all day. When times get rough, I need to hear the words of wisdom from the wisest man I know... Dad. Sure he curses like a sailor (he *was* one, after all) but he has a way of dishing out the truth without sugar coating things. If I want sympathy, I'll talk w/my mom. Dad has no time for sympathy. He despises emotional crying, hysterics, tears and "boohooing" of any caliber, and he'll shut it down before the first hiccup. I love my parents & I know I'm lucky. I know they are there for me no matter what. I'm just truly thankful that my dad can set me straight and motivate me to get my "man pants" pulled up & knock off the nonsense. I am too old to sit around and cry over things I can't change or fix. Time to lock & load. Watch out, emo punks. Take that, Ben & Jerry. I'm turning a new leaf, and that means sucking it up and moving on. That's just what this girl's going to do...

The ABC's of Me...

Age: 27 (I never say my age, I always say "I'll be 28")
Bedsize: Queen. However. Living with a 6'5" giant has shown me the error of my ways. I believe a king would've been ideal.
Chore you hate: Dishes! Close second: litter box. If only James could use the toilet...
Dogs: Harrison aka Dirty Harry. Named after Matt Harrison or Indiana Jones. You pick.
Essential start to your day: Coffee. Enough said.
Favorite smell: fresh laundry/clean cotton and gasoline. Yeah, I said it. I also like fresh cut grass & chlorine.
Gold or silver: Silver all of the way. White gold or steel, but yellow gold is gross. Even in a grill. I would cover a gold tooth with aluminum foil, if that tells you anything.
Height: 5'7"
Instruments you have played: Piano when I was a kid, and the flute in middle school (first semester of freshman yr/hs)
Jobs you've had: flower shop girl, loss prevention/security, Hospital Corps (Navy) Bath & Body Works, surgical technician, OB tech, medical assistant.
Kids: someday, perhaps.
Lived in: Hawaii (Kauai), Florida, Connecticut, Spain, California, (& then back to Florida!)
Most cherished possession: my Canon. All of my cameras really.
Nicknames: Shan, Shannie, Nana, Nanie, etc. Nicknames from Kerry Booth do not count.
Overnight hospital stays: As a patient, once when I was 4 weeks old for pneumonia. Working a night shift... too many.
Pet peeves: tailgaiters, the over-useage of LOL (or variations of it), people who talk on their cell phones in the library.
Quote from a movie:
Right or left handed: Right. But I drive with my left hand. With a slight gangster lean. (dead serious)
Siblings: One baby sister, Cali Jean Rose ♥ 17 months apart.
Time you wake up: when I have a morning class I am up at 0530. But I can never sleep past 8 on any day.
Underwear: none of your flippin' business. I could be going commando under these leggings for all you know.
Veggies you dislike: do water chestnuts count? Cooked carrots, when they are mushy, I want to vom just thinking about it.
What makes you run late? Traffic, VEHICULAR ISSUES, having to stop for coffee. Seriously, sometimes that line is long! I'm usually early, if anything.
Xrays you've had: Teeth (of course) stomach, hand.
Yummy foods: I love sushi, (ahi tuna esp) anything dipped in chocolate, and anything made by my mama.
Zoo animal: Giraffe. I love the way they chew! And I love all of the babies.