So a friend recently asked me why my boyfriend & I aren't married or if we are planning on it in the future. My answer was no plans, no desire to walk down the aisle, nothing. But that was a lie. If you really know me, you know I am a sucker for romance. I love the idea of celebrating two people in love, happy and ready to spend their lives together. I just don't know if that's me. For starters, I am not where I feel I should be in life. I'm a full time student, doing what I can to get through assignments & worrying everyday about whether my car will make it to school & back or not. I am currently unemployed, and spending my days stuck in this apartment while my boyfriend works his butt off. I love my boyfriend. I have so much fun and hardly ever stop laughing when we're together. But truthfully speaking, I don't feel that we are even close to being ready to talk about getting married. And I feel that I've stopped believing he's ever going to ask me, which is sad. I don't believe in fairy tales but I'd like to believe things could be better and that one day I'll be okay regardless of whether I have a ring on my finger or not. My Dad (see previous blog) recently told me that he's seen a pattern with me where I have this "have boyfriend, add water, instant family" mentality, and he's right. Because when I fall in love, I fall fast & hard. I don't consider myself clingy, but I have never been in a relationship that didn't last a couple of years or more. I've been single, don't get me wrong. But I am a relationship kind of girl. I feel that I am building up some kind of resentment towards my better half lately, with the cooking & cleaning being left to me. I am old fashioned to a point, but sometimes I want to do my own thing. I don't enjoy the same things every day. He has told me that he wants me to meet him halfway. And I can understand that somehow, but when I asked him about us getting married he said he needed things from me, and now I have the overwhelming feeling that I need to prove myself to him. In July we will have been together 4 years. I know I shouldn't complain, because there's so much that he does for me, and he's stayed with me through thick & thin, in my darkest hours. I just don't know how to get around this feeling of fighting his requests to "give him" or "show" him anything to prove my worth. I guess that also means I don't want to be a wife. Because I'm not ready to compromise or "prove myself" to anyone. It doesn't mean I don't love him or don't want to be with him. I just feel like I'm having a really hard time personally and after looking in the mirror trying to see what he doesn't see, I don't like the girl looking back at me.
Hon, relationships are hard...and marriage, well, marriage is a whole lot harder.
ReplyDeleteBut, I will say this; whatever he may think is "missing" from you or whatever he feels he "needs" from you is HIS issue. Not yours. It's great that he's stuck by you, my now-husband has always been the supportive kind but, the second he started questioning if I was good enough for him, I told him I wasn't a goat a livestock show. I was a person, a human being and I was only me. He could accept that and love me unconditionally or he could hit the road. I'm capable of loving myself enough for two people...and you are too.
I'm sending you good thoughts and lots of love <3