♥ I'm moving on.....

Well it's official. I've made up my mind 100% that I am moving to Boca in 2 weeks. I can't believe what an emotional struggle I had to get through to wrap my brain around the idea of leaving st. pete, my boyfriend of 4 years, and school (which I was absolutely loving, especially now that I got all of the math classes out of the way) It's just difficult for me to imagine myself without this situation that I've been living with for so long. I talked to my dad yesterday, and he asked me if I was excited. I honestly don't feel excited yet. I am nervous more than anything. Yes, the situation between my boyfriend & I wasn't the greatest. No affection/love/etc, but we are great friends who care about each other and laugh all of the time. I just can't see us ever getting to the point where we could spend our lives together. Maybe that will change someday, but we'll never know unless I take this amazing opportunity to make my own life better, to stand on my own two feet, and to put myself through nursing school. I need to do this for myself, so that I can have respect for the person I am, instead of feeling like I'm just going through the motions everyday. I need to have a life of my own. I don't think things are great here, if they were, I'd stay. If Justin & I were amazing together, none of the other stuff would matter. Which is why I moved out here in the beginning. It didn't matter that none of my family or friends were out here. But when things started to go downhill (3 yrs ago) and our relationship died down quite a bit, I was alone more than ever. It's hard to explain something so personal. I'll really miss Justin & I know he loves me. But maybe this way he'll appreciate what we had together and who knows what the future holds. I know I am doing the right thing by leaving, but this is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. It's bad enough that I have to leave my boyfriend, my school & friends I've made there, a possible career w/photography, but I'm leaving my dog, and the apartment I paid a lot of $ to fill with things we picked out together. Shower curtains, the giant clock on the wall, signs, artwork, bedding, etc. Justin paid for the furniture & I wouldn't have anywhere to put it anyway (I'm moving in w/my sister & brother in law for a couple of months) so I'm not taking anything big. I'm only taking my personal belongings and my cat. James has been w/me for almost 5 years now, and I can't imagine leaving him anywhere. The dog loves Justin way more and he's just such a handful. There's no way I'd be able to get into a new apartment with him. I packed boxes yesterday, & I'll be packing today as well. Giving all of my old clothes to my mom to bring to church for her sunday school kids. I'll write more later. I need to get another cup of coffee. Soul searching really drains a girl, let me tell you.

Square ♥ One

Oh what I wouldn't give to be laying on my great grandmother's quilt under a tree in the shade. I remember sitting with my mom while she'd read a book & my sister & I'd take naps. To be carefree & innocent, oblivious to the real world daily ups & downs. To not have to worry about making a huge life-changing decision that requires moving my entire life 180 degrees. I still don't know what to do... I called the lady from that hospital that left me a message yesterday. She asked me why I moved around so much. I explained to her that I was about to make a very permanent move to Boca & would be there in 2 weeks... stupid me. I should have acted like I was already there. But she said "Well I need to hire someone immediately, but I'll keep your resume and if we don't find someone in 2 weeks... I'll give you a call" OMG. Fail. Epic & Total Failure. Why did I say that? I let myself get excited like things would magically happen the way I'd hoped they would, and the skies would open up & heaven would shine down & the answer to my question would be suddenly clear. No such luck. Now I'm still waiting to hear from someone, anyone, interested in my stellar resume. I guess I should keep packing boxes and cleaning my clutter from this apartment. Just in case...

♥ The Charleston

Job Information ♥

I decided to keep one blog post dedicated to all of my job information, ie: resume, locations, places I apply to, etc. So excited!!

First official job call back... I applied online this morning & got my first call. I am so hopeful ;)
http://www.delraymedicalctr.com/en-US/Pages/default.aspx

The 3-Week Countdown to the 180 Degree Turn Around... ♥

It's official. School is out for the summer. Normally, I'd be sitting in pajamas, drinking coffee in the sunshine w/a good book. Maybe taking pictures somewhere (while enjoying the freedom of taking pictures for fun again, not for various assignments & critiques) or just enjoying the break. I, however, am doing none of those things. Well okay, I did have my coffee- but I'm out of the pajamas. I mean, it *is* Monday, after all. I haven't blogged in quite awhile. Actually, I do believe it's been one month & two days since my last confession. I don't even know where to begin really. I guess my last blog sums up where I left off. I had a huge fight with my boyfriend of (just under) 4 years. We decided I would move out and leave. Next morning, when the sun came out and we'd had some sleep & time to rethink our words, we both felt like maybe we could try to work it out. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I'd never get his words out of my head. He didn't see us getting married, he wasn't "in love" with me anymore, he knew I didn't like St. Pete, etc. I usually don't see his family much but neither does he. He claimed I didn't like his friends which was totally untrue. I even made my school schedule when I registered for Summer quarter so that I could spend Wednesday nights w/all of them since that's their night to go out to dinner. I was talking w/his friends behind his back to plan something for his birthday (which ended up falling through) Anyway... I considered his friends to be my friends, so that comment bothered me. But truthfully, I have been alone for a long time. My own family & friends live in different areas (2 & 4 hours away) and I want to be closer to my family. I started to feel depressed, sleeping all of the time, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere. But at the same time, I felt trapped in this apartment. It doesn't make sense, but that's how I felt. Truthfully speaking. I lost track of myself somewhere along the way. I've been unhappy for so long that it started to seem normal to me. I don't blame Justin for falling out of love w/me. I just wish things could've been different. I feel that leaving school and moving away is something that would give me the opportunity to be happy, live my life, and be a better person. I feel like I need to do this for myself. I can't stay here, being this miserable while trying to be a good girlfriend & friend to Justin. It's not fair to either of us. He works too hard and we both deserve better.

At the same time... I find it hard to leave. I go back & forth in my head everyday. Am I making the right choice? Decisions aren't easy when your heart and your head want two different things. Some days I think there's no way I can stay here, and other days I can't imagine life w/out Justin. Four years is a long time to spend with someone, even if they're not the "right" person for you. I just hope I can make the right decision, and make choices that lead us both to being happy again, even if that means being without each other. I love Justin & I want him to be happy. I always have & I always will.