It's official. School is out for the summer. Normally, I'd be sitting in pajamas, drinking coffee in the sunshine w/a good book. Maybe taking pictures somewhere (while enjoying the freedom of taking pictures for fun again, not for various assignments & critiques) or just enjoying the break. I, however, am doing none of those things. Well okay, I did have my coffee- but I'm out of the pajamas. I mean, it *is* Monday, after all. I haven't blogged in quite awhile. Actually, I do believe it's been one month & two days since my last confession. I don't even know where to begin really. I guess my last blog sums up where I left off. I had a huge fight with my boyfriend of (just under) 4 years. We decided I would move out and leave. Next morning, when the sun came out and we'd had some sleep & time to rethink our words, we both felt like maybe we could try to work it out. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I'd never get his words out of my head. He didn't see us getting married, he wasn't "in love" with me anymore, he knew I didn't like St. Pete, etc. I usually don't see his family much but neither does he. He claimed I didn't like his friends which was totally untrue. I even made my school schedule when I registered for Summer quarter so that I could spend Wednesday nights w/all of them since that's their night to go out to dinner. I was talking w/his friends behind his back to plan something for his birthday (which ended up falling through) Anyway... I considered his friends to be my friends, so that comment bothered me. But truthfully, I have been alone for a long time. My own family & friends live in different areas (2 & 4 hours away) and I want to be closer to my family. I started to feel depressed, sleeping all of the time, not wanting to do anything or go anywhere. But at the same time, I felt trapped in this apartment. It doesn't make sense, but that's how I felt. Truthfully speaking. I lost track of myself somewhere along the way. I've been unhappy for so long that it started to seem normal to me. I don't blame Justin for falling out of love w/me. I just wish things could've been different. I feel that leaving school and moving away is something that would give me the opportunity to be happy, live my life, and be a better person. I feel like I need to do this for myself. I can't stay here, being this miserable while trying to be a good girlfriend & friend to Justin. It's not fair to either of us. He works too hard and we both deserve better.
At the same time... I find it hard to leave. I go back & forth in my head everyday. Am I making the right choice? Decisions aren't easy when your heart and your head want two different things. Some days I think there's no way I can stay here, and other days I can't imagine life w/out Justin. Four years is a long time to spend with someone, even if they're not the "right" person for you. I just hope I can make the right decision, and make choices that lead us both to being happy again, even if that means being without each other. I love Justin & I want him to be happy. I always have & I always will.
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